No, really. I shouldn’t laugh. But some of us cope a bit better with nervous laughter. Mine is getting a little wild about now. I mean, what in hell is going on here?

First it was Arkansas, which was gross (not Arkansas, the birds dropping out of the sky). Then we had thousands of dead fish, then more birds, then frickin’ Sweden got in the mix, then back over to Louisiana, then off to England for 40,000 dead crabs. But who’s counting.

OK, so we have some factoids-Mayan Calendar, the birth of the White Buffalo, the Panda Cow, a couple of eclipses aside. The first is Harold Camping, who predicted the End of the World in 1994 and only slightly embarrassed himself with what he called “a math error.” Flash forward to 2011 and, Look! it’s…Harold Camping, the math wizard and self-styled prophet from the 1994 debacle. Through a complicated formula involving biblical verses, a math system that would give casino security fits, and a lot of caffeine, we’re down for May 21 for the kick-off and October 21 as the actual Second Coming. Somewhere in between is The Rapture.  Must I explain this?

Apparently, there are skeptics. Not just the sniggering Press. Members of the “clergy” and “Christian theologians” are taking Mr. Camping to task for his specious use of the Bible and for not offering them a ride out-of-town.

Secondly, and this is important, there has been a recent flurry of activity (activity always comes in ‘flurries’) concerning UFOs, mysterious glowing green lights just over the horizon where you can’t get a steady camera shot, wandering dots on radar over military facilities, Kim Jong Il and Iran. None of this is good. I saw the Tom Cruise movie. If you haven’t, don’t. It should be noted that highly reliable countries like Brazil and France recently exposed themselves (or their UFO archives). The U.S. said ‘No” in the fifties and we’re sticking to it.

Thirdly, is it coincidental that all of this is happening as we kick off another political season in Albany and Washington? I leave it to you to decide. But I bet no one can blame this one on state workers.

What’s going on here? Witnesses who saw the birds drop said they looked like they hit a wall in mid-air. I’m thinking X-Files. Conspiracy. Terrorists. I’ll buy that falling from the sky can cause trauma but the fall didn’t cause the trauma. OK, maybe a little. But this was massive internal blunt force trauma.  Still with me? So now what? Lightening, a mass freak out over fireworks, and, oh, did I say “force field”? Could lightning strikes and fireworks spark a mass die off in several states and a couple of foreign countries? And what’s with the fish? And the crabs? OK, maybe not the crabs. Give me something credible.

Here’s my theory: if it’s not Kim Jong Il, it has to be a Death Ray. An invisible death ray. And it was probably invented by the Army because the Army is always at the bottom of the well. Did you not see The Mist? OK, or it could be aliens. Aliens hiding behind a force field. But I’m going with the Army on this one.

But that doesn’t explain the fish. Did you read the complicated scientific hoodoo about the 10,000 fish not dying of run-off or pesticide or anything else known to man. But maybe they all died at once because of, um, bacteria or heat. Or sumthin’.

This is complicated stuff, folks. Are the seven seals popping? Are government workers included in The Rapture? Should I apply for late filing status with the IRS? I need some guidance.

Meantime, I could be right. I bet a dehydrated bunker lunch for everyone who reads this that it’s a “government conspiracy to cover up something.” Someone? Anyone?